Step Two - Two buck chuck - Now that you understand what wine isn’t supposed to taste like, you can move onto better things. For example, two buck chuck! This wine can be found at Trader Joe’s or really any store for that matter. Two buck chuck wine is wine that is a step up from white zinfandel but unfortunately will still give you a terrible fucking hangover. It comes in red and white wine so you really can start getting your wine drinking personality developed aka “I only drink red wine.” Okay okay, calm down, you don’t get to say that just yet!
Step Three - Red, White, & Rosè - When you start drinking wine, everyone is a white wine drinker! You don’t get to pass this crucial step and if you say you have always loved red wine then I will punch you. You start out loving Chardonnay nae naes and will like the buttery ones or the oaky ones, then you get to move on to rosè which is a crucial step to liking red wine. Step three is really about enjoying white wine and getting your pallet ready for something bolder, maybe even smokier if you dare...
Step Four - ROSÈ ALL FUCKING DAY! - Umm yesssss I’ll take all the bottles of Rosè please! Rosè is the middle child of wine. Until recently, this beautifully colored, delicious drank was over looked for her much sexier older sister, red wine.... but her bashful blush tones got some people talking & Rosè now slays all day erryday. Rosè is the wine you get to drink after trying out white wine and complete your sauv blanc phase. You will be a, “wine drinker” after you drink rosè, but just wait until you taste some redssss.
Step Five - I’ll take five glasses that is... - Once you appreciate white wine (or don’t) and then you understand the hype that is rosè, you are ready to move onto red wines! YAY! You are almost ready to be a wine drinker! Red wines are so complex and are insanely versatile. Step five is an intro to starter red wines! Here are five red wines to start with for your first wine & cheese night with your people: Pinot Noir, Sangiovese, Rhône, Barbera, and Merlot. All very easy to drink reds that will pair nicely with everything! Wooo get that Brie and goat cheese board out and get going on your wine partayyy!
Step Six - Red red wine got me feeling so fine - You’re almost a full blown sommelier (if you don’t know what this is, you clearly need this wine blog post in yo life) sticking to red wines to drink, once you have successfully tried the previous reds listed here are six more red wines to try. These are the big leagues - these bottles are the ones being pulled out for anniversary’s, shmoozy as hell dinner parties, serious wine nights with your people - so get your best wine glasses out and get to fo-fucking sipping! Six wines: Cabernet Sauvignon, Zinfandel, Petite Sirah, Tempranillo, Syrah, & Malbec. Of course there are other reds out there, these are just some of the more popular ones. (Possibly biased list of six)
Step Seven - Better late than never - Have you heard of dessert wine? If you’re looking for that sickly, syrupy, sweet wine then dessert wine is going to be your jam. Looking for a wine and chocolate pairing? A bottle of Port will be your go to. Ports are fortified wines that have Brandy in them and could potentially kill all hope of you making it to an after party or work the next day , so there is that. Late Harvest wine is literally grapes picked late in harvest to let the grapes get hella sweet on the vine so that you can drink it and sound cool - I say enjoy your hummingbird nectar that is late harvest and let’s move onto step eight.
Step Eight - Sparkling wine is the champagne of The United States & any where that isn’t a EU Country - I like to think of sparkling wine as the fancy aunt that comes into town to show off her diamonds & lambo but makes it look effortless as fuck. Sparkling wine is there to fuck shit up but in the classiest of all ways. Sparkling wine is used as a celebratory drink in most occasions and is really the party starter of parties - did someone hear a bottle pop? GTG BRB LOL
Step Nine - Wine Events - Now that you are well versed in types of wine you are ready to go out into the world and drink some wine! Or all the wine! Yesss! Wine events are the chicest way to get super shitfaced but still sound productive! You might have puked up Pinot in a flower bush but on Monday when your coworkers asked what you did that weekend you can just say, “I went wine tasting and I really enjoyed this certain Pinot.” And viola, you sound sophisticated as fuck. Wine tasting is amazing, barrel tasting is amazing, vertical tasting is amazing, all of it is amazing!
Step Ten - “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” - In regards to wine this is just the tip of the cork... but this should at least help you start the journey to enjoying wine and give you a starting point, middle, and end of your wine drinking journey. Cheers to you & if you ever want to get a glass or two or a bottle or two, I am game! Now go out and drink your face off!
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